The Forever Kind
by FromScratch413
Summary: Jackson and April navigate the challenges that come with rushing into marriage. They're trying to slow down, if only fate would allow it. Mostly Japril. Cannon til 10x12. Starts in the 3 week gap.
1. Chapter 1

**Making small changes within all chapters, just to make sure everything's consistent. Working on a new chapter too, promise.  
**

Jackson hurriedly opened the door and ran behind April, who was busy chopping up carrots for a salad. "I missed you so much today wife." He spun her around. She squealed.

"Jackson, I have a knife, careful." He kissed her, his tongue forcing her mouth open, took the knife from her, and fumbled with the drawers in front of him, his lips never leaving hers. Then he slid the cutting board out of the way and lifted her on top of the marble counter. Without a word he pulled her skirt up and slid her panties off. Her toes curled. "_Jackson_," she gasped, in mock protest.

He kissed her neck, whispering into her hair. "I've been wanting to do this all day." He turned his attention elsewhere, spreading her legs and letting his tongue explore her.

"Oh god, oh…god, oh…" April's hands gripped the edge of the counter as she arched her back. Jackson moved his attention to her thighs, placing kisses on her beauty marks. He caught her watching what he was doing and grinned mischievously, deciding to visit her neck again. "NO!" she screamed as she realized what his destination was. Jackson smiled. She had never before given him orders. In on-call rooms and hotel rooms she had mastered silence, at times guiding him in the right direction, never telling him what to do.

"What was that?" he asked, brushing her hair behind her back and tracing her collarbone with his tongue.

April put two fingers inside herself. "More please…I want…I need you…" There was desperation in her tone that made Jackson listen. He was having fun, but this meant more to her. Immediately his tongue found her spot again, and he didn't stop what he was doing until he heard her familiar "Ohmygaaaa….Jaaacckson!" And the catch of her breath as she came.

It wasn't until he slid her underwear back on and lifted her of the counter that he realized she was crying. He pulled her close and kissed her. "Hey, Bean, what's wrong?" Married life brought with it nicknames. He'd learned that April was insanely jealous, and jumpy, along with her sweet innocence. Hence, "Jellybean" or "Vanilla Bean" or "Bean" happened. He liked this, the secret nicknames and intimacies of married life.

She sniffled, nodding her head against his shoulder. "Just, I missed you too…so much." She walked into the living room and put on his "Grey-Sloan Memorial" sweatshirt, curling up on the couch. "I just…I'm sorry."

Jackson went to the wine cooler across the room and pulled out a bottle of Rose, her favorite. He poured it for her, taking a wine glass from the open box on the floor. When she found out he didn't have wine glasses she insisted they keep those, but he hadn't had time to find a space for them, so they lived in the living room for now, along with the wine fridge his mother bought him two Christmases ago, which his wife had finally freed from the back of his closet. He grabbed a Carona from the kitchen and motioned for her to sit on his lap. She obliged.

"Hey, none of that…remember rule number three."

She rolled her eyes but recited, "Absolutely no more apologizing for emotional sex…" He waited, staring at her, a grin on his face. "April."

"Thank you," he said, clinking his bottle with her glass.

"Welcome." She tied her hair into a ponytail with her a rubber band and lay her head on his chest, yawning. "We don't have to talk about it, " she tried.

"Or, how 'bout we do." She put her wine glass down and framed his head with her hands, kissing him, but he wouldn't be distracted.

"I saw you today…all day, pretty much. There was a fire, remember? Lots of burn victims? Mr. Clayton kept crashing as I was trying to leave and only Ben and Stephanie were on that floor, so…"

"Oh Stephanie. How was that for you, awkward?" Biting sarcasm laced within a subject change. He was not going to fall for it.

"No. So…I got out late but I saw you all afternoon."

"Oh yes, but I didn't see my husband, I was working with Dr. Avery."

He shook his head, defeated, and took a sip of beer. "Bean, we agreed. It's way too soon. It's only been five days. It's your second day at work."

"Don't you 'Bean' me right now, Dr. Avery." She bottomed up her Rose, poured another glass.

"We agreed not to let this be our first fight. It is what it is right now."

"We're not fighting, we're discussing how I didn't get to see my husband all day, so when he got home, I needed him to…" Her voice trailed off and her cheeks turned the blush pink of the wine in her glass. Jackson smiled up at her. He'd noticed a lot of ways in which marriage made her more confident. But he loved when he got a glimpse of that innocent farm girl from Moline, his best friend.

"Riiight…did he help?" Jackson asked, a bit suggestively.

"Well, yes. But no…" Jackson raised his eyebrows, eager for her to go on. "I'm still going to miss him at work tomorrow, and the next day, and the next…"

"But that's part of the fun isn't it? It makes everything _sexier_," he whispered the last word on her ear, then nibbled her neck, causing her to jump.

"But it's really not practical, Jackson. There's always Board stuff you could be doing if our shifts overlap and yours ends earlier. And you know I'd just wait for you. We could really save money on gas…"

"April, I know you hate it when I bring this up but you really don't have to worry about money for the rest of your life. Seriously, I'm not trying to be obnoxious. Just get that through your head. _I'm_ going to make sure of that myself, but there's also the fact that my name has a Harper and an Avery in it…"

She seemed to be ignoring him completely. "…And you know I have to deal with those wedding gifts soon, and I want to go out with you to get furniture, and that green in our bedroom is horrible, no offense to your mom, but it is. And I don't have my clothes here. Or my pillow. Or my Bible. And I don't know how to face Matthew. I know what we did was right, but it was wrong too. And so now we're paying for it, which I could do, with you. I could do this my whole life if that's what you wanted, but hiding a marriage is exhausting Jackson, all I want to do is tell everyone we're in love and you're mine. But we can't. Not until Stephanie talks to you. Oh God, what if she never talks to you ag…."

He'd had enough. He kissed her. A long, slow, sensual kiss, just to shut her up. "Rule number five…" he said, and waited.

She rolled her eyes again. "When your wife spins out of control, you have the right to shut it down, by whatever means necessary. Fine Jackson. Consider me shut down. But when all of this blows over, I want another wedding. Not because I'm greedy, or because the first one wasn't enough. Because I want people to celebrate our love with us."

"Done deal," he said, kissing her forehead. "Now, can we order pizza? I think something kept you from making dinner…"

"Oh darnit, I had a baked ziti all ready to put in the oven." Jackson laughed, kissing her quickly before picking up the phone to order. Pepperoni and olive, extra cheese. It was that kind of night.

* * *

The sound of April's tapping fingernails filled the room as she paged "_912_" from their supply closet on the dermatology floor and waited. He'd come. "_912"_ was secret marriage bubble code for "I'm horny". April bit her lip so hard she felt the skin break and tasted blood. She was feeling a lot of things right now. Horny was not one of them.

Two minutes later Jackson arrived, tapping out the code they came up with, just in case. Two knocks, a pause, knock, pause, enter. No one in dermatology bothered them or even knew they frequented the supply closet these days, but April was a big believer in precaution.

"Already…I just got…" Jackson started, but April didn't give him a chance to finish.

"Your mother asked me how many penises I've seen in my private time lately, this morning," she said, matter-of-factly as he reached over her head to hold the shelf and pin her into place. Jackson's green eyes widened and he raised his eyebrows. April thought just maybe he'd share her fear, but instead…

"And what'd you tell her. Dr. Kepner-Avery?" he asked, leaning in and placing a deliberate kiss on her lips.

She smacked his shoulder. "Jackson, it's really not funny…"

"Oww, woman, that hurt." He rubbed his shoulder, but caught the look on her face. His poor wife looked like a deer in headlights, petrified by the thought of what was coming next. "Look, I had no idea she was coming, I promise. But I'll take care of it. You just go home, relax, take a bath. I'll handle her _and _I'll cook tonight. One more hour, right? Just avoid her and if you can't…talk about gardening or something. I gotta go though, I'm supposed to be in surgery in five minutes."

"Gardening? She gardens?" April wrinkled her nose in surprise. Jackson reached for the door and she stopped him, grabbing his hand. "What do you mean 'handle' her? Are you going to tell her, or…"

"Look, Bean I don't know but you don't worry about it. I gotta run. Love you."

"I…" before she could finish her sentence he was out the door. April waited ten seconds, took a deep breath and turned the doorknob of the supply closet. One more hour of avoiding Catherine, she could do it. And when in doubt talk about rose bushes, apparently? No matter if she liked what he said or not, her husband definitely had a way of calming her down.

* * *

April had just finished pouring her third glass of Rose when she heard Jackson storm inside, slamming the door. She took one more sip and tried for a seductive face, arranging the bubbles around her body in the tub just right. But she knew all bets were off as soon as Jackson bolted into their room, looking frantic and a little disheveled. The bathroom door was wide open, but he didn't notice her perfectly placed bubbles. She stood up, letting the suds fall around her, and started toward him, concerned.

"My mother…." Jackson panted. "Right now, coming for dinner."

It took a minute for his words to register and then, "Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no." Her wet hair was falling out of the messy knot it was in, she was shaking her head so vigorously. She grabbed a towel and walked into the room to face him, reaching the bed in three strides. "You promised you would take care of her. You promised you would take care of her _and _cook. So, I cleaned a little bit. And then I drank a glass of wine and decided you should be rewarded for your efforts. Then I drank another glass and opened up the bubble bath set that I should've returned. And got naked and drew a bath so my _husband_ would know that I appreciate all of his hard work when he got home. I'm sort of drunk and now you're mother's coming? " Her tone was frantic now. "I am not leaving. This is my apartment too. I am an Avery now and you're just going to have to tell her because…"

"April," Jackson screamed and grabbed his wife's shoulders to ground her back into reality. "April, nobody's leaving. But you should probably get dressed. And I told her you were cooking salmon. I bought it, it's downstairs."

"You told her what?" April asked, her eyes widened and her nose did the thing it always did when she thought he was being ridiculous. She went to the closet and pulled out a floral skirt and a black tank top, and then to her drawers to pick out more suitable underwear than the ones she had planned for tonight. Jackson cringed when he saw her toss aside the ones she thought she'd be wearing. "I don't know how to cook salmon," she said.

"You grew up on a farm…." Jackson started.

"A farm has cows, not fish, what did you drink today? Besides, you volunteered to cook. And you know we were supposed to take lessons together because I'm not the greatest…"

Jackson cut her off, exacerbated. "It's fine, I know how to make salmon. Just get dressed," he told her, leaving the room.

"You're welcome for the bubble covered naked body I tried to give you," she called after him.

"I had to tell her, OK? She would not stop insisting on coming over for dinner," he answered. In her room, April tilted her head back and massaged her temples, trying to take a deep breath. Dressed, she walked down the hall with bare feet and faced Jackson in the kitchen.

"So she knows?"

"She knows."

"How mad?" April asked, biting her lip.

"Pretty mad, hard to tell. But when I tried to tell her not to come she said, 'Surely your new _wife_ will love the chance to impress her mother-in-law with a nice meal, Jackie. I'm coming over.'" April groaned in defeat and pressed her wet head onto her husband's shoulder. There was a knock at the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys, I wanted to get Chapter 2 up quickly, for you, because it's really all I have that makes sense to me right now. I was going to wait awhile to publish anything, to be honest, and then 10x20 happened and I knew I needed an outlet. This story is a lot my head cannon for the holes in the second half of the season. Trust me, if I wish we'd been shown a scene, I'll write it in this fic. I think it sort of has a direction, but that might change. I tend to hold on to stories for awhile, so expect it to be long, just warning you!:) Thanks for the great response, and keep letting me know what you think, please. Not sure how long until the next update, school's probably going to take up a lot of my time in the next few weeks. **

It started horribly. And hadn't gotten better. Catherine had come in with a purpose, and she wasn't letting up. She'd moved from commenting on April's lack of togetherness ("Wet hair, bare feet, what is this a slumber party?"), to her less than stellar energy level that night ("I never thought I'd see Jackson have more enthusiasm for cooking than anyone, let alone his wife..."). Three quarters of the way through dinner, the newlyweds felt like they were losing the fight. Jackson, for what it was worth, had a comeback for every quip against April, although he hadn't mustered the courage to kick his mother out just yet. He stole quick kisses, which Catherine glared at from the corner of her eye.

"Eat, Jellybean, it's good I promise," Jackson whispered as they waited for Catherine to come out of the bathroom to start round three. His tone was somewhere between a plea and an apology.

"I'm not hungry. And I'm not your Jellybean right now. I'm a perfectly rational, exhausted, frustrated, sad Bean, thank you very much." April pouted against Jackson's shoulder and yawned.

"I'm sorry April, I don't know what to do…"

"You can both kindly lend your signatures to these documents," Catherine said, entering the room with her arms full of papers. "His and hers. Your exes are marked in blue ink, baby." She nodded toward Jackson. "And _yours_ in pink, look carefully please. The great thing about being an Avery, lawyers at your beck and call. William drew these up in an hour and e-mailed them right to me."

As April slowly read through the document, her mouth widened in horror with each new line. "Babe, I don't want a…I don't want your…" She looked toward Jackson, but he was intently reading the document, his face getting angrier as he skimmed each page.

When he'd had enough he stood up, picked up both documents from the table, and shredded them, page by page, throwing a pile of confetti at his mother's feet as he did so. When both documents were sufficiently torn up, he turned on his heels and headed to the bedroom, without a word to either woman.

"Well that certainly wasn't the reaction I was hoping for," Catherine's practically amused reaction annoyed April. She stood up and brought the trash bin over to the confetti pile, fighting back tears.

"I don't want his money, Catherine." She almost jumped at the sound of her own voice, startled by its venom-laced tone. "And the Catherine Avery I know wouldn't come here for just cheap insults and accusations. The woman I know would want answers. So ask, I'll answer."

"Alright. Why? Why did you run from your wedding to the paramedic, right into a wedding with my son?"

"Because I have always loved him, it was the only choice I could make."

"No, honey it wasn't…you were at the alter, supposedly ready to marry another man."

"Not only in my heart, but down to the soles of my feet I knew the answer as soon as he asked the question." The honesty and intensity of her own answers was scaring April, but she wasn't flinching, she was staring Catherine straight on.

"Yes but why…why did he even have to ask? If you knew, you should have told him." Something about the arrogance of Catherine's tone in that moment, the audacity of her accusation, mixed with the attitude she'd had all night, and all of the emotions Jackson was begging her to keep inside, to ignore in favor of a happy bubble, caused April to snap.

"I DID," April seethed, through clenched teeth, slapping her fist on the table and surprising Catherine. It was the first time the older woman looked shaken all night. "I TOLD HIM WHEN WE KNEW I WASN'T PREGNANT. I SAID 'LET'S DATE, I'LL GO ON THE PILL.' BUT I'd hurt his feelings, because I was relieved I wasn't pregnant out of wedlock. So, your PERFECT BOY said no. He broke up with me." Her tone was wavering now. April was somewhere between blind rage and tears. Some words were mumbled. Others came out like nails on a chalkboard, sharp, deliberate. "I told him when he suggested we be friends while he was dating Stephanie. I said 'I CAN'T. BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND looking at you and not kissing you….'"

From the bedroom, where he was pacing uncontrollably, staring at the floor, hands over his face, trying to gather himself, Jackson could hear that April was losing her battle to stay calm. But, it wasn't until he opened the door that he heard her words.

"…And then, when he almost DIED, the day he almost BLEW UP, right after I got ENGAGED, I tried again. I said 'I want you, Jackson. Give me a reason not to get married.' AND HE PUSHED ME AWAY AGAIN. He told me that I was being unfair, that I only realized I wanted him because he almost died…."

When Jackson realized April's outburst was directed more at him than at his mother, he took a deep breath and left his room. In the kitchen, April's back was to him, but he made eye contact with his mother, who motioned for him to stay where he was and not make a sound. Catherine Avery was not a stupid woman. She knew none of this was directed at her, and that April probably didn't want Jackson to hear it, but she knew he had to. April thought Catherine's gestures were directed at her, and reacted.

"NO Catherine, you asked me a question, you're going to let me answer it…Your perfect son told me that I should marry Matthew or not, but leave him OUT OF IT. So I did. I took the man I knew I was in love with OUT of the picture, and chose to marry the man I knew I could love enough. What was I supposed to do, wait FOREVER until MAYBE he gave me a chance? He pushed me away, and hurt me more than ANYONE EVER WILL. So, I planned a wedding, and I invited my BEST FRIEND. But I let him know that I wanted his blessing. And I walked down that AISLE, thinking this was it. Ready to take the vows of forever with another man and MEAN THEM, knowing I would always be in love with someone else, but that a marriage vow was NOT something I would ever break. JACKSON KNEW THAT. And if it took that for him to realize he was in love with me, if it took me on the verge of vows, OF COURSE I'm going to run to him before I say the vows I NEVER wanted to say in the first place. OF COURSE. OF COURSE I'm going to run away and say the vows I've been wanting to say for MONTHS. I KNOW THIS IS RIGHT. And I wake up every morning and thank GOD he realized he loved me when he did, but I wonder WHY. I don't doubt he loves me, but I wonder WHY he pushed his feelings away for so long. Why he was afraid. How long he'll want to hide it. I would live in a cardboard BOX with your son, just US, forever. But, EVERYDAY, I wonder what I could have done. What I could have done to make him love me before the moment he did. Because I know that what I did HURT a lot of people. What we did. But I'm in love and I'm NOT SORRY. I DON'T WANT TO HIDE IT ANYMORE. So, you can question if I want his MONEY, you can question how I'll raise his KIDS, or if I'm good enough to be an AVERY, but please don't you EVER again suggest that I had ANYTHING to do with the timing of this. That there's anything wrong with the fact that we knew, so we didn't want to wait. Sure, when we had the pregnancy scare I was nervous. BUT I'M NOT THE ONE WHO PUSHED HIM AWAY."

April had nothing left to say. She collapsed into hysterics, her knees weakening. But she managed to stay standing, and turn on her heels.

Jackson stared at her, his face full of pain. He was devastated; because he now officially knew the amount of hurt he had caused the love of his life. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to reach out to her, but couldn't. She was staring, too. Her face slowly revealing a horrified expression at the idea that he'd heard it all. Still crying, she rushed past him and into the bedroom.

When he heard the door slam, Jackson winced. "I don't…," he started, but his mother stopped him quickly.

"You don't say anything, you listen to me and you listen carefully, Jackson Harper Avery…" Catherine's voice was steady, her tone loving, but in control.

"That woman loves you more than anyone in the world…"

"I know mom, I…"

"I said, _listen_ Jackson." His mouth closed, and his shoulders slumped like they've done since he was a mischievous five –year-old boy, always in trouble. "She loves you so much that she knew she _had _to run away with you, you no longer gave her an excuse to ignore her heart. She even married you, because your marriage was inevitable, right? I mean, who would burn the lives of two innocent people to the ground, and run away from a wedding for…nothing? But that doesn't mean you didn't cause her the worst pain she's ever experienced in her life, by your unfortunate timing. What kind of wife would she be if she told you? Anyway, she's happy you did it; you saved her from living a lie. But, you can't ignore that pain Jackson, she's in so much pain."

"I know, I don't know what to do. I…we…both made mistakes. She…" Jackson was frustrated, confused.

"She wasn't accusing you of anything. Not exactly. I'm sure she's got some fault in this and would admit it."

"I don't know what to do…what do I do?" He ran his hand down his face, covering his eyes and mouth, a nervous habit. Catherine was gathering her things, zipping up her coat to leave.

"You will fix this. You will go in there and talk and yell and scream about it until you can't anymore."

"I don't want to yell, I…"

"Well, let her at you then, for as long as she needs. Until it's done. Yes, this is a big issue, but it doesn't have to be a shadow over your marriage if you don't allow it to be. You were both allowing it because, well you just ran away together a week ago. You're supposed to be happy."

"Thanks mom, I really apprecia…" They headed through the living room, toward the door. Catherine whirled around and pointed her finger at her son, shoving his shoulder slightly to show she meant business.

"I'm not done, listen carefully to this part, mister. When it's over, you get your wife an engagement ring. Before or after you tell everyone you're already married, I don't care. But you buy her a ring she deserves, for being patient, for keeping a secret that she never wanted to keep. You use that trust fund that you pretend abhor so much, get her the ring of her dreams, and you get down on your knee Jackson Harper. On two knees, maybe…"

"Mom April doesn't care about…"

"I'm not talking about the ring she wants, son. Clearly she'd take a ring pop from you. But if he can provide it, a husband should give his wife only what she deserves. That woman sure as hell deserves one wedding, but because she loves you, I guess…technically she'll have three…"

"Mom…what?" Jackson asked, raising his eyebrows.

"You will give her the wedding she deserves…In Ohio or wherever," Catherine lifted her hands, dismissing that wedding from her thoughts. "And Harper and I will give her an Avery wedding, which you will make sure she accepts. I'll call Harper and tell him you're engaged tonight. He'll never speak to you again if he knows you eloped. So be very careful about who you disclose that to, seriously. Harper would forget about you and your children, just like that," Catherine snapped her fingers. "And don't you think that I'm happy about any of this for one minute. It's just, clearly you've got bigger problems than me right now."

"Thanks for the courtesy," Jackson snapped. "I'm not going to force her to have three weddings, she's traumatized enough by one because it's a secret..."

"Oh, but you won't have to. You've been to an Avery wedding or two, just describe it to her…April Kepner will tell you anything you want to hear. All she needed was the wedding you had, if you call it that, in Lake Tahoe or wherever you ran off to, that's true. But, what she wanted was…"

"A wedding in a field with butterflies, and mints and her family."

"Sure, OK…" Catherine's expression shifted into a look that was a mixture of both amusement and disgust. "And what she deserves is…"

"To experience an Avery wedding. Where the bride is literally queen for a day, and suddenly understands what it means to be related to Harper Avery." Jackson practically whined. He hated Avery weddings. So stuffy and official. But he knew if he didn't play along, and carefully, his grandpa would find out and hold his inheritance or trust fund over his head. No matter how much he hated the pressure of the name Avery, he liked his trust fund. His mother was right, he just pretended not to. Plus, he was married now. Anything that helped him take care of his wife was a good thing. "She always does encourage me to at least try to live up to the responsibilities of my name. I guess she will agree to it." Jackson resigned.

"I'm delighted to hear that. Now, I'm headed out. You've got a lot of work to do." Catherine kissed her son on the cheek and was out the door. Jackson held on to the doorknob for an extra second before he headed in the bedroom to face April.

* * *

She was curled up on the bed in a fetal position, glass of wine next to her on the nightstand, and wearing a light blue nightgown with moons all over it, one she was mortified that Jackson found when they were unpacking. One she swore he'd never see her in. Silent sobs were shaking her body. Jackson didn't know how to begin.

He climbed into bed and put his arms around her, relieved when she didn't pull away. He steadied her body with his hands, pulling her shoulders against him. Feeling bold, he kissed her neck and whispered in her ear, "I love you. And I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I am so sorry April."

His apology sent a new wave of tears through her, and he closed his eyes against her back, rocking her back and forth and waiting for them to pass. "I l-l-l-o-o-o-o-v-v-v-e-e-e you t-t-t-t-o-o-o-o," she managed, hiccuping.

"But you're mad. And I deserve it. And all week when you tried to be mad I wouldn't let you. I'm sorry."

April's breathing steadied. "I'm not mad. I'm exhausted and embarrassed."

"Embarrassed?"

"I just told Catherine Avery where to get off."

Jackson chuckled a little. "Catherine Avery deserved every bit of it," he said, placing a kiss of gratitude on his wife's cheek. "Plus you weren't yelling at her. You were yelling at me. Because you're mad." He tried again.

"She's my idol, and I…"

"Number one, she's your mother-in-law now, so you'd do good to take her off of that pedestal. And number two, I assure you she left here thinking you were a badass."

April turned her face toward Jackson for the first time since he'd entered the room. "She did?"

"She did. And she told me all the ways I'm failing as a husband."

"You're not failing. It's not a test. I'm tired. I want to sleep."

"…Except you can't. It's nine thirty. And we need to talk. Come on, come eat peach cobbler and talk to me. We're trying to communicate better on our own, remember?"

"Peach cobbler?" Her face brightened and she sat up, swinging her legs over the bed and throwing a pair of sweats on over her nightgown. If they were going to talk, she was going to be comfortable.

Jackson laughed. He should've known that's the only thing that would get her attention. "When I knew my mom was probably coming I ordered it from the bakery. It was a peace offering. I was going to surprise you for dessert but well…we didn't get there this time around."

"Fine," April said, heading to the doorway. "But if we're gonna talk I hope you bought something for yourself to have. I'm too mad at you to share peach cobbler. I'm eating it right out of the tin, and I dare you to look at me sideways when I finish it all."

He followed her out of the room. "That's not exactly healthy but, do whatever you want."

"I eat when I'm stressed. And drink wine," April confessed, taking the cobbler and the milk out of the refrigerator. She then got one glass and one fork out, poured the milk and sat at the table. "I love you, but you're stressing me out man. This week I drank four bottles of wine," she informed him, through her first bites of cobbler.

Jackson brought his own glass of milk to the table and sat down, facing his wife. He didn't have much of a sweet tooth. He watched April take another bite, carefully thinking about how to proceed. She wasn't very good at expressing her feelings; he'd figured that out immediately after they'd had sex for the first time, when she'd lost her virginity. He'd figured out a long time ago that she wanted him to stay that night, but whenever she felt something that scared her, she either pushed it away completely or catastrophized the situation. He wasn't the best communicator either. They were both just…trying.

He figured she knew he wouldn't stand for her dooming their marriage to failure out of fear, so she was pushing all of her bad feelings away. Not that the good feelings she'd felt were lies, he knew that, April wasn't good at faking…anything. But, if they were going to address their issues tonight, like his mother said they should, he was going to have to approach the topic creatively to get her to say what he needed to hear. "April, it pisses me off when you avoid talking about things you know we need to talk about," he said, letting the anger come through clearly in his voice. "And you hurt me when you told me you wanted me the day I almost died. I felt like you didn't know _what_ you wanted. I felt like if I let us happen, that you would blame me for your broken engagement, just like you sort of blamed me for taking your virginity."

"Funny how that worked out though, huh?" April laughed nervously through a bite of cobbler.

He knew what she meant, but he pushed the other way, knowing it was his only choice. "Oh yeah, hysterical how all of your guilt trips on me made me afraid to tell you how I felt. So funny how, because I took your virginity and because we had a pregnancy scare, I was made to feel guilty. So then, any feeling I had for you I pushed away because I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you. You kept telling me I wasn't."

"I kept telling you you weren't good enough for me? How did you just turn this all around to be my fault?"

"It's no one's fault, or both of our faults. I asked when I did, and you answered. I'm just trying to help you understand why I asked when I did. Because even then, standing there and confessing my love for you at your wedding, I was pretty sure you loved me, but I didn't know if you thought I was worthy of your love."

"Worthy? I…Jackson I…" She put down her fork and looked into his eyes, lacing her fingers with his over the kitchen table. "Jackson, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way. ….You made me feel angry, when you pushed me away. Sure I thought you didn't want me but…you never made me feel unworthy, Jackson. You never made me feel like I didn't deserve your love, just that you didn't want to give it to me. Sometimes, I felt angry with you for telling me why I was feeling what I felt. It was frustrating that you couldn't tell that even though my timing was bad, or my response to something was weird, I meant it with my whole heart."

"If I could've read your mind, there would never have been a wedding to run away from, and a ring from me would be the only one that was on your finger, April. I'm sorry."

"Don't be ridiculous. Don't start apologizing for not reading my mind." She took a bite of cobbler and dug her fork in again, offering him a bite. He smiled and accepted, even though he didn't want it. It was more than just a bite of peach cobbler, it meant progress. "This ring is the only one that matters, babe. It's the only one I ever wanted. I mean that." Her voice was sad, and she had a pensive look on her face as she played with her wedding ring. "I think I knew I loved you before I kissed you, that's why I had sex with you. That scared me, knowing that. I was afraid to tell you that until right now."

"I think I knew I loved you on the day of the pregnancy scare. Because it never scared me, the thought of marrying you, of having a baby together. But then…"

"I didn't fight for you enough that day. I didn't make sure you knew I wanted it too, just not that day," she said, through a mouthful.

They both sat silent for a moment, thinking of their missteps. None of it seemed to matter, because they were married. But it felt good to get everything out. "You looked like a mess on your wedding day morning…."

"I know, you told me."

"…But I thought 'I wish she was getting ready for me…'"

"I hated the way Matthew proposed. A flash mob? " She wrinkled her nose in disgust. "When I was little, I always wanted my husband to hide the ring somewhere so I'd find it. Maybe make a scavenger hunt out of it. I remember feeling suffocated when Matthew hugged me. Overwhelmed. Your hugs have always felt the safest."

Jackson filed the information he'd just gathered away, but said, "I'm sorry we were never engaged."

April shrugged. "That superficial stuff doesn't matter. I'm glad we said our vows alone, in front of God…well God and Melinda, I guess."

They were quiet for a few more minutes. April only ate half of the peach cobbler before getting up and putting it back in the fridge. "Jackson?" She came over and sat on his lap, finishing her glass of milk.

"Hmm?" he was still deep in thought.

"I hope you can forgive me for how I made you feel. I never thought about your side of things. I'm really sorry. I'm honestly not mad anymore; because now I realize we both could have done things differently. And I love that you're the only man I've ever been in love with. I know, well…you don't have to say that back. But it's the truth for me."

He kissed her, realizing how difficult that confession must have been for her. For the fist time all day, she really let him kiss her deeply. He liked that he missed kissing her after only a few hours. "I just hope that one day you can truly forgive me. I know we're both glad to be married, but it must be a horrible feeling, running away from a wedding. "

"No." April shook her head vigorously. "Didn't you see how happy I was? Scared, yes. And guilty later. But I attacked you in the car….Can this talk be over now? I'm exhausted. Your mother alone is exhausting. Dealing with your mother while fighting with you, and talking about all of these feelings? I'm a zombie."

Jackson picked her up and headed for the bedroom. "Mmmm…" he accepted a kiss, throwing her down on the bed and lacing his fingers with hers.

"A zombie too tired for the tilt-a-whirl?"

April tilted her head, feigning contemplation, then giggled and shook her head, her red hair flying like crazy all over the bed. "You should know I'm never too tired for the tilt-a-whirl, Jackson Avery."


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is kind of long and ambitious, and super sweet. Sweeter than I wanted it to be. But one of the problems I have with the show is that...despite what they've been going through, they are newlyweds in love. There are so many "sweet" moments that had to have happened, but I guess to make us more uncertain they were not written? I actually just think it's holes in the writing. I guess I'm moving into AU territory here, with the circumstances of their hiding the marriage, just warning you. Anyway, I really hope you like this. Let me know, please! :)**

"No!"

"No?"

"I'm not getting on that plane."

"You're not getting on the plane?"

"That's what I said, Jackson."

They were sitting in Jackson's SUV, a few feet away from the private plane he had rented to take them away for the weekend. But he couldn't _tell _her where. Things weren't going exactly as planned. "What is this? What's going on here? A panic attack? Anger? Fear? Help me out, please?" This wasn't the first time he'd been in a car, at a loss for how to help her.

_April had fallen asleep pretty soon after she'd agreed to get married. Jackson hoped it was because she liked the plan. Maybe it calmed her down enough to sleep. She could sleep. They had a busy 24 hours ahead of them. He drove with one hand on the wheel, the other intertwined with April's. She'd fallen asleep studying his fingers, asking him his ring size and what he wanted his band to look like. It had been about an hour and wasn't exactly the most comfortable position to drive in, but Jackson was never letting go again. _

_ He was lost in thought, staring at the road, when he felt April's hand pull away from him. She was stirring, suddenly. She woke up out of a dead sleep gasping for breath and pulling at the sheer material in the front of her wedding dress. "I…I can't breathe…I can't breathe…I need…."_

_ Jackson pulled the car to the side of the road and grabbed April's shoulders, to focus her. "Are you sure you want to do this? We can go back….We can just…"_

_ "I can't marry you in this dress," April was sobbing, big wet tears dripping down her face and onto the tulle of her dress skirt. "I can't marry you in this dress. He was supposed to…" Tears interrupted her sentence, beads of sweat formed on her face as she thought. "You can't help me out of this dress, it wasn't for you…I…I need to get a dress, for you…I need to get out of this dress…It will be bad luck if…." April was twitching now, jumpy, uncomfortable in her skin even, ready to rip the dress off herself. _

_ Fleetingly, Jackson thought of how much he liked the dress. It was gorgeous, perfect for her, exactly what he'd pictured April Kepner in on her wedding day. But she was having a physical reaction to it. Pretty much because of him. "I have a pair of scrubs in the back, they'll be big, is that alright?" April nodded silently, tears still streaming down her face. "If I just undo the buttons in the back, is that OK with you? Will you be able to get the rest off?" She nodded again. Jackson was still concerned. He didn't want to disrespect her, but couldn't understand what was happening right now at all. "Hey, what if I just helped you out of it, sweetheart? I promise I won't touch your skin before you want me to…"_

_ "No, Jackson, please! You can't…I know it's weird. I, I'll just get the scrubs and go in the back. Just get the buttons, please. Only the buttons." April knelt on the seat and Jackson obliged. He'd hoped the first time he helped his wife out of a wedding dress would be a slower, more memorable process. He thought he'd be savoring it. Instead, his fingers were working quickly down her back. He heard her breath become steadier with every release. _

_When he was finished, she practically leapt out of the car and to the trunk, grabbing his scrubs and going in the backseat to change. She was glad that in all her panic, she didn't rip the dress. Someone might need the luck of this dress one day, but it had run out for her. She couldn't marry Jackson in a dress meant for Matthew. That was just, wrong. When the enormity of that realization hit her, her body had physically reacted. But Jackson's scrubs felt comfortable. _

"_Sorry if I scared you, I scared myself, so I probably scared you," April admitted, climbing into the front seat and placing a kiss on Jackson's cheek._

"_It's OK. I love you, April." The way he said it was so sincere and deliberate, it made her heart melt. Like he was trying to convince her he meant it and show her how much with just the tone of his voice. _

"_I love you too, Jackson. " She squeezed his hand and looked deeply into his green eyes, hoping he could feel just how much she meant it back. "Sorry to ruin the moment, but can we stop at the next Walmart? I'm starving." _

_Jackson looked at his fiancée skeptically. "You want to go to Walmart for food?" _

"_Ummhmm," April nodded certainly. "We have what? Ten hours to go? We need snacks. And they have fuzzy slippers."_

_Jackson started the car. "Sure, whatever you want, babe." His bride was certainly one of a kind. _

"It's not a panic attack, I've been on plenty of planes," April snapped.

"You're mad."

"You've noticed."

"April, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I thought you knew!"

"Knew that my husband was essentially worth 500 million dollars? 'Cause that's a number I'd pull off the top of my head," April scoffed. They had just come from Richard Webber's birthday party. Catherine had sat April down and said that while she respected the marriage, she'd still like them to consider a postnuptial agreement. With Richard distracting Jackson at the bar, she'd explained just how much he was worth and his responsibilities with The Harper Avery Foundation. That led to bickering, which led to Jackson insisting they leave, which led them here. April was pissed.

"April. I don't even care about all that stuff, the Avery Foundation? I just do as I'm told. I never asked for any of it."

"But you do, you do care, Jackson!"

"He's my grandfather, April. He's the man who raised me, what am I supposed to do?" Jackson was exasperated.

"You do care about money, apparently. You buy private planes to whisk us off to God knows where…..That money, could be saved up for our child's education. I bet boarding school is pricey."

She cut deep, so he cut right back. "You don't even want kids with me, April, so why would we need to."

"Jackson Harper Avery, that is not what I meant, and you know it!"

_Jackson snuck behind April in the snacks aisle of Walmart, where she was seriously considering a choice between two different jellybean variety packs. "Pink or purple?" he asked, placing two pair of fuzzy slippers in her line of vision. She jumped at the sound of his voice._

"_Tropical smoothie or very berry?" she asked back. _

"_Both. Pink or purple?" _

"_Hmm…Pink." _

"_Yes, clearly the more stylish choice." She giggled and smacked his arm, taking the pink slippers and putting them on, handing him the bar-code so they could pay. She had to wear them now, her feet were killing her. _

"_Sexy," Jackson laughed, spinning her around to face him._

_April suddenly had a distressed look on her face. "Those women are staring at you." She whispered, nudging her head toward a group of women their age at the end of the aisle._

"_Um, I beg to differ miss pink fuzzy slippers," he was trying to make her laugh. _

"_Just kiss me!" She ordered. _

_Surprised, he obliged. The April he knew hated PDA, even though the "public" for them had just been Grey-Sloan, where everyone hooked up with everyone and sometimes stole kisses in hallways. She slipped her tongue in quickly and let out a fake loud moan. He'd never forgotten what a real Kepner moan sounded like. The thought made him wish this escape was planned. He couldn't wait to be married. _

_The women had looked away, but April's legs were wrapped around him tightly now. "Someone's suddenly jealous, huh?" he asked, looking up and kissing her. _

"_Just possessive, maybe," she admitted, jumping down. "You're mine forever now, Dr. Avery, and I want to make sure everyone knows it." _

_Jackson looked in the cart beside her. "Hmm OK, I still think you're a little jealous, I look good in a suit. " He took out a pint of ice cream that was in the cart. "Vanilla bean? Really? Of all the flavors in that freezer?"_

"_Whatever, laugh. Now I won't share my jellybeans or vanilla bean with you. Pick your own snacks." He grabbed a huge bag of sour cream chips and beef jerky. April watched, disgusted. "Eww you eat that crap?"_

_Jackson shrugged. "Road trip classic. We ready to go?" _

"_Yup." _

_They were almost at the checkout when April's face filled with panic again. She bit her lip so hard, Jackson noticed the blood. "What's wrong Jellybean?" Jackson asked, concerned. _

"_Don't be mad, OK? Promise?"_

"_It would be impossible for me to be mad at you today," he promised. _

_April leaned up to his ear and whispered. "We need condoms." _

_Jackson looked at her, surprised. "Really? I just figured you were on… because you and Matt…Tonight…" He let his voice trail off, not wanting to think about his soon-to-be wife's plans for her wedding night with another man. Especially the man she thought she'd be married to by now._

_She shook her head. "We talked about it, and well…" April didn't like thinking about it either. _

"_So you want a baby? Now? That's OK, let's…." _

"_Babe, it's more complicated than that." She stopped him from walking, in the main aisle. "Matthew and I….we talked…we went to counseling. I am so happy you stood up. I am so happy you're going to be my husband. But we can't have a baby right now, OK?" Jackson shrugged, a little hurt. "Hey," April squeezed his hand. "I can't wait to practice, everyday three times a day. When we get home, I'll go to the doctor. But please, Jackson. This is kind of an unexpected day." April laughed at the understatement of the century. _

"_So you wanted one with him right now, but with me…" _

"_Not right now. I love you. I'm so in love with you. I just want it to be me and you for a little while.." _

"_Me and you. You're right. I'm sorry," he kissed her quickly. "And lots of practice."_

"_So much practice," she whispered in his ear, sending a chill through his body. _

"You're right, you didn't mean that. I'm sorry. Look, I'm sick of fighting. Can we just…"

"Things don't go away just because you want them to, Jackson. Life doesn't work like that."

"I'm not saying it does, I just…."

"Why don't you take Webber on a plane, it's his birthday."

Jackson laughed. "OK, yeah. Let me just call up my almost dad right now and see if he wants to spend a romantic evening on a plane with me, chocolate covered strawberries, and pink champagne."

"Pink champagne?" April's eyes softened, he'd gotten her interested.

"Yes," Jackson admitted. "I just. It's been hard for you, hiding this. And I just figured we needed to get away. I mean, I know it's only been a few weeks, but…Just will you get on the plane? Please? I'll put some money in our hypothetical kid's trust after this."

"Our children already have trusts?"

"Of course, Harper Avery established them as soon as he heard of our 'engagement'," Jackson said. "Please just get on the plane…and let's stooooop talking about money."

April tilted her head, thinking. "OK, chocolate covered strawberries do sound nice. But don't think this conversations over, wooing me won't work every time."

* * *

On the plane, complete with two furnished areas that might as well be rooms in a house, April found a note lying on a tray with the strawberries and champagne. "Jackson, what is this?"

"Read it," he shrugged, going over to the couch across from her to watch her react.

"I met a soldier here," she read out loud, raising an eyebrow. "That's your handwriting, what does that mean? Where'd you meet a soldier?"

He yawned. "Dunno. Lots of places…One time at Boston Gen. I was waiting for my mom to finish work and she let this Army Commander waiting for one of his guys take me for ice cream…" He stopped talking. "That was weird, actually."

"Are we going to Boston? We're not…I'm not ready to meet your grandfather…Not as your…"

"No one is ever ready to meet Harper Avery." Jackson said, matter-of-fact. He closed his eyes.

April felt bad. Obviously he'd put a lot of time and thought into planning this trip and her attitude had ruined it. Why? Who got mad at their husband for having too much money? Sure, he should have told her. But she could have asked. She poured two glasses of the champagne and startled Jackson's lap, handing him one. She kissed him; his eyes opened. "I'm sorry. I was a brat all evening. You're doing something nice and I should've let it go for now, we have plenty of time to argue about money." He nodded in acceptance, but didn't say a word. She placed kisses along his jaw. "Babe, you ever join the mile high club?" she asked.

He nodded. "Oh. On a private plane?"

"Both," he yawned again.

"Wanna induct me?" she pleaded.

At least he laughed. "On the way back?" he offered. "I'm tired, wanna nap?"

"Jackson, I said I'm sorry. I meant it. You obviously spent a lot of time planning this, why are you being so grumpy?"

"You're right. Feed me, then we'll nap," he said, talking into her neck. He reached for a strawberry, and she did the same, rolling her eyes. "Ready? One…two…three…" They fed each other and then he stood up, April still attached to him. He kissed her lips, naturally red from strawberry juice. "Mmmm…Nap time," he announced, entering the second room. April gasped.

Tears filled her eyes. There were white gardenia covering every inch of a queen size bed and the floor around it. Gardenias were her favorite. She was overwhelmed, at a loss for what to say. Jackson Avery did a lot of things well, and he was sweet, but hardly ever this romantic, he was too impulsive to plan these things. April kissed him. "You wanna induct me in here, Dr. Avery?" she asked, already lifting his shirt over his head. "Or are you too tired?"

"Well, we do have an hour…maybe five," Jackson fell backward on to the bed, taking his giggling wife with him. "I could sleep in the car….."

"_Your appointment for your dress is in two hours," Jackson informed a yawning April, rolling on top of her. He placed kisses up her stomach, loosening the scrub top she was still wearing, even after showering_

_He'd offered to buy her other clothes in the Walmart, but she insisted she was fine in his scrubs for now. "Safe" was the word she used. "I feel safe in these." He didn't argue. _

"_It's our wedding day," he whispered. He slid his hand into her waistband, but she stopped him before he got too far. _

"_Jackson, please don't? I won't be able to…" her voice trailed off. "Just a few more hours, please wait." _

_Jackson groaned, but apologized as he rolled over. "Sorry. I forgot." _

_She smacked his bare chest. "Liar. Valiant try though." Jackson smirked and shrugged. He'd wanted to see how far she'd go, but apparently her body off limits to him until after the vows._

"_I can't believe you made me a wedding dress appointment, thank you," she kissed him and went to make coffee in the machine across the room. _

"_You need one, right?" _

"_Yes. Come with me? Let's not spend one second apart today. I've had enough of that."_

"_Can't sorry. Places to go, people to see. "_

"_Oh really?" April asked, eying him, amused. _

"_Even quick weddings don't plan themselves."_

_April groaned. "No plans. I just wanna go get the paperwork, really, Jackson. I just wanna be married."_

_He raised his eyebrows. "Now who's impatient?" he laughed, but April was getting upset. _

"_Jackson, I've waited…" She paused, biting her lip., considering whether to continue or not. "Nevermind, not today. So, you'll pick me up from the place?" Not today. Not on their wedding day. _

_He didn't even notice her deflecting. "Or someone will. You'll be my wife soon enough." _

"Will we be there soon? Where are we anyway?" April asked from the back of a car in Jackson's lap. They'd gone straight from the plane into a private town car, and the driver, Maurice, would not tell April anything, no matter how sweet she was.

"Your fella would kill me, Dr. Kepner," he said, as Jackson put bags in the trunk.

"Oh, don't worry about him. I'll handle him," she tried. No dice.

"You really don't know?" She shook her head. "The clue…I thought I gave it away on the first clue."

"Jackson, I didn't even know how much money you were worth until tonight, how am I supposed to know about the soldiers you meet in your spare time? What kind of clue is that anyway?"

He shrugged. "A good one, I guess."

"Give me another, please, come on, we'll be there soon, right?" She pouted and gave him her best doe eyes. He couldn't resist the doe eyes.

"OK, well, think about how long we were on the plane."

April blushed. "We were busy on the plane, I don't know how long that was!" she whispered, not wanting Maurice to hear.

Jackson laughed. "We were kinda busy, huh?" He opened the door as the car stopped, to help Maurice with the bags. April ran after him. She smiled when she saw the name of the hotel in front of her. The Ritz-Carlton San Francisco. Location of her first Boards…and her first time. "Jackson Harper, what are you up to?" she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind as he tipped Maurice. She saw him pass over several hundred-dollar bills. She thought she might never get used to that.

"Hmmm? Oh nothing, we just have dinner reservations." He was so nonchalant, like they flew to San Francisco for dinner every night. "You didn't eat at Webber's thing, right? I told you not to?" She nodded.

"You have a good night, Dr. Kepner, see you tomorrow," Maurice winked at her.

"Whatever Maurice, we're not friends," she smiled at him and he chuckled as he drove away.

"Dinner? Here? Babe I'm not dressed for here." Jackson headed toward the concierge. "Why are you…the restaurant's that way…"

"Hi, how are you?" Jackson asked the woman at the desk. "We have reservations under Avery, Jackson Avery."

"Yes, of course. Ms. Kepner?" she asked, April nodded. "This came for you." She reached behind the desk and pulled out a package, handing it to April. April opened it, and was at a loss for words for about the fourth time that night. Inside was a navy maxi dress, with a fitted bustier and spaghetti straps at the top, and a flowing skirt on the bottom. It was simple, elegant, one of the most beautiful dresses she'd ever seen. Of course he'd picked it out.

"_That's your dress, Bean," he whispered, arms wrapped around her as they entered the shop, pointing to a simple, tight, flower-patterned soft peach lace dress with a mermaid bottom. "But try it on, and find some shoes. Yours don't match and you can't get married in fuzzy slippers." Technically they were already married. They'd done all the paperwork before going to the dress shop, but didn't have rings. Jackson insisted it wasn't official without rings. _

_April moved forward to examine the dress closer. It was cap sleeved, with a beautiful oval cut out in the back. "H-How do you know? Did you buy it already?"_

"_Nope. Pick whatever you want. In fact, try a bunch on; I've got a lot to do before I see you again. I just know that's the one." _

_He kissed her cheek and went to leave, but she grabbed his hand. "How will I pay?" _

"_Oh don't worry about it. It's taken care of. Whatever you want. Buy five dresses if you want, just don't ask the price. They won't tell you." With that, he left._

"_April Kepner? How can we help you today? Have you picked out any dresses to try, yet?"_

"_Just that one, I think," she said, pointing to the peach dress. "And do you have shoes and accessories? And…" she cleared her throat, and felt the blood rush to her cheeks. "A lingerie section?" _

"_Yes, of course, we have it all. And we have your size in a sample for that dress, you'll be all set…."_

"_How do you know my size?" April asked, following the woman to the fitting rooms._

"_Oh, your um…"_

"_Fiancé…" April finished for her. _

"_Your fiancé told us. We've been expecting you since yesterday night." _

_April fought back tears. He really had thought of a plan while she was sleeping. _

* * *

_Three hours later, she stepped out of a limousine in an open field, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. The driver handed her a peach rose and pointed to Jackson, who was waiting for her in the middle of the field, next to a woman holding a book of vows, April assumed._

_Tears welled up in her eyes as soon as she started walking. She wanted to run, there was no music to keep time to, but her heels wouldn't allow it. A part of her also wanted to savor this moment. This is what it felt like to walk toward her husband. She was calm, relaxed, and full of love. Hours earlier, walking toward another man she was doing her best to hide how anxious she'd felt. She realized now, walking toward Jackson, that the best she could muster up in that other moment was hope. She didn't need hope right now. She knew._

_By the time she reached Jackson, tears were streaming down her face._

"_Hi," he said, as she moved to face him. He reached to wipe away her tears, though she could see them forming in his own olive green eyes. _

"_Hi…" she said, and turned to look at the woman between them. "Hi…" The woman only nodded slightly, forcing April back into this moment with Jackson._

"_You look gorgeous, Love. Are you ready?" _

"_Love". He'd never called her that. It sent a chill down her spine and another few tears down her cheeks. She wiped them away. "Whenever you are, Love…"_

_He turned to the woman. "This is Melinda, she's going to marry us."_

_April nodded. "Let's get married." _

"You look stunning, Love," Jackson said, as April exited the Ritz-Carlton bathroom in the gown he'd chosen for her. There were also shoes and sapphire earrings in the box, but Jackson preferred her neck bare, ready for his lips at any moment. The note in the box said simply "A Swan…" April suddenly understood.

They ate dinner in a private dinning room at Parallel 37, spinach salad, her favorite, followed by lamb in a pare reduction sauce. "April, are you OK? Was your food OK?" Jackson asked, reaching across the table to hold her hand. She'd been unusually quiet, and hardly responded to Jackson's attempts at conversation.

"Yes, just…Overwhelmed. Jackson, what's going on? You know I don't need all this stuff to know…"

"Was it too much? I'm sorry. I just, I know it's stressful, keeping this secret for longer than we should have to, just because of my grandfather and well…I just appreciate you, that's all. My mother has the worst timing, but…everything was planned or else I…"

"Jackson, stop. I'm just overwhelmed, not angry. How could I be angry?"

"Ok, if you're sure. Wanna go upstairs and order room service dessert?"

"Yes please." She stood up quickly, melting into his body as soon as he got up from the table. "Thanks for dinner, that was lovely. And this dress is…amazing."

"You're welcome." They headed to the elevator. Jackson pushed the "5" button. April's breath caught...he didn't.

Jackson stopped at room 523 and put the keycard in the door. "Jackson Harper, I love you so much." She always called him by his full name in extreme moments. Extreme anger, extreme happiness. Funny how she'd gone from one to the other so quickly tonight.

She pushed him against the wall before he even got the light on. "You wanna repeat history?" whispered in his ear, going to loosen his belt.

He stopped her. "No. Right now I want ice cream, honestly. And I'd like to stay the whole night this time."

"You really want ice cream right now? Because you hate ice cream. And I don't even want it. I'd rather taste your…."

"Whoa, let's at least get in the room, tiger," Jackson said. This was a new step for April, this level of aggression, and he loved it, but if she continued this night would not go as planned, and he had planned in perfectly. He led her to the bed, which was covered in peach rose petals, and kissed her as he shoved the room service menu at her. "Humor me, please."

She wrinkled her nose at him, but took the menu. "Fine, Jackson geez. This is all so romantic, but you are acting so strange tonight. Just putting it out there."

She ordered a banana split for them to share, he'd eat banana. She stared at him, wide-eyed and amused, as he paced the room. "What, are you afraid the bananas are gonna be rotten? I swear you're so weird tonight. What's going on?"

"Nothing. I, my mom just…dropping that on you again, and grandpa, and…"

"What's going on with your grandpa?"

"Nothing. Nothing. He's just an old, grumpy man."

"Jackson, I can't help you if you don't tell me things. Married people share stuff, you know."

Jackson was saved by room service at the door. He rolled the tray inside and uncovered the sundae, placing the spoon in the middle scoop. "Eat."

"Yes, sir." She took a big spoonful and ate it, but gasped as she went to dig in again. That was not ice cream that was a huge diamond ring. "Oh my God!"

Jackson reached in and pulled the ring out of the bowl, wiping it off with the cloth conveniently placed on the tray. He cleared his throat and pushed the room service cart aside. "I was nervous they'd forget the ring," he confessed, looking her straight in the eyes. "I love you so much, April Louise, you know that, right?"

April nodded and wiped tears from her eyes as Jackson got down on one knee. "I love you, and I'm sick of hiding it. I want the world to know you're mine. That I'm yours. I want to kiss you in the lobby of the hospital. I want my best friend at Grey-Sloan back. April Kepner-Avery, will you pretend to be engaged to me?"

"_I love you, Jackson Harper Avery. I've always loved you. Only you. You are my best friend. Marriage isn't easy all the time, but I want to stick it out, the whole damn thing, with you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. And I have never let anyone love me the way you do. You're all I need. Forever. Me and you." She wiped tears away and placed the ring on his finger. _

"_I'm sorry, April." A single tear fell down his cheek and she wiped it away. "I'm sorry this isn't the wedding you deserve...But, I'm never letting you go again. And I promise to love you as much as you deserve, and how you deserve for the rest of our lives. No one has ever loved me so unconditionally, so purely and passionately. Your love changed me. You're all I need, all I want, forever. Me and you." He slid her diamond band on her finger as she wiped more tears from his eyes. She'd never seen him cry this much before. _

_They both looked at Melinda expectantly. "By the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife…" She nodded at Jackson. "You may kiss your bride." Melinda then opened two boxes and released four butterflies. _

_Once Jackson was sure April had seen the butterflies, he dipped her and she giggled, accepting a long, slow, desperate kiss. It was the kind they used to communicate when they had no words. When all their passion and love and frustration and anger and every emotion they felt for each other became so overwhelming that words were not enough. The forever kind. _

_They thanked Melinda, and Jackson politely asked if she'd like to share a piece of cake with them (a cake which April was very excited to learn about), but she declined. She said the best way they could thank her was to allow her to take a picture of them on her phone, which she would keep and send to them._

_Jackson stood behind April, his hand on the rose he held against her stomach, her hand on top of his. At the last second before the picture was taken, he leaned down to kiss her neck, just as she looked up at him, eyes filled with love. A most private moment, caught on film. The only moment of their wedding day captured. _

* * *

_Jackson carried April to the limousine after they said goodbye to Melinda, whispering promises in her ear. Promises about their life together, about what he was planning to do to her later, all promises he knew he'd keep. "Number one…I will never stop loving you, not for one second. Number two, I will never leave you alone on purpose…" She repeated these back to him. A spoken contract to guide what was sure to be a very rocky journey together. That became clear as soon as they entered the limousine and started toward the hotel._

"_Hey, Bean, we have to keep this a secret for now, OK? Especially from my family. For our future family, we have to, OK?"_

_April nodded. "And Stephanie and Matthew." _

"_And my mom, and yours…OK? Our secret, just for now." _

_She nodded. "Our secret." _

April laughed through her tears and nodded as he put the huge cushion cut engagement ring on her finger. The center diamond was surrounded by smaller diamonds and set in platinum. "Yes. I will pretend to be engaged to you, husband."

They couldn't tell anyone they were married yet, Catherine had made that clear. Harper wouldn't just take Jackson's inheritance; he'd stop speaking to him all together. He was a stubborn man who believed in tradition, and the Avery family was medical royalty. Jackson and April could get "engaged" whenever they wanted, and she could wear that ring. But they could not wear their wedding rings until the Avery wedding in Boston.

"Are you ready to marry me two more times?"

"Two more?" She sounded alarmed.

"Yeah, the Avery wedding is gonna be stuffy and boring. Don't you want one in Moline after? As long as we indulge grandpa first, nothing will matter…"

"Nothing will matter, gee thanks Jackson." April laughed bitterly.

"That's not what I meant." He sat on the bed next to her. "We have to get Boston over with, that's the one that doesn't matter. Then you can have the party of your dreams in Moline."

April shrugged. "We'll see. Our wedding was all I needed, really. Everything was perfect."

"Speaking of our perfect wedding night, wanna fool around?"

"Oh nooow you wanna fool around? Not when I was telling you how desperate I was, but when you're ready? I changed my mind. That ice cream is looking delicious right now. There are cherries in that sucker."

Jackson groaned and fell back on the bed. "You're gonna make me sit here and watch you eat that banana. April Kepner, you're not as innocent as you pretend to be."

"_Are you hungry, wife?" Jackson asked as they walked toward the hotel entrance. _

"_No, I just wanna make love to my husband. That's it. I can't believe we have to check in again," she rolled her eyes. _

_Jackson laughed. "Sorry, I didn't know upgrading to the honeymoon suite would be such a problem for you." _

"_It's getting in the way of married sex, of course it's a problem," she said, jumping from his arms so he could check in. _

"_Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Avery, you bags are already in the honeymoon suite, here's your new key, enjoy." She winked at them, and April raced to the elevator as soon as he got the key._

"_Thank you!" he called behind him running after April._

_In the elevator, he picked her up again. "Relax woman! We have our whole lives for quickies. This time is gonna count." _

"_Oh, the other times didn't?"_

"_Of course they did. You know what I meant. Are we really gonna get into that right now, hmm?" He kissed her, not waiting for an answer, watching out of the corner of his eye as the elevator moved up toward the honeymoon suite before he let her come up for air. "You ready, wife?" he asked, taking the key-card out of his pocket, and taking a deep breath. _

"_Are you ready, husband?" she replied, as he swung the door open and carried her over the threshold. _

"_Born ready, April Kepner-Avery." He put her down._

"_Whoa, what are you doing, bed's that way, mister…." _

"_We're taking this slow, remember?" He went over to the bedside table where there was a bottle of champagne and two glasses and sat down on the loveseat in the living room with them._

"_So, what do you wanna do? Get drunk and watch TV? How romantic." _

"_Nooo…I just….I was trying for a moment…but when you put it like that…."_

_They were quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts. Married. They were married. "Jackson, we're married," April said, taking a long sip of champagne._

"_Married." He said, clinking his glass with hers. _

"_You're my husband." _

"_You're my wife." Jackson put his glass on the floor and stood up resolutely, taking her hands and pulling her up with him. "You look beautiful, this dress is beautiful, you are the most beautiful woman in the world." He whispered in her ear from behind, kissing her neck and sending a chill through her body. _

"_Your dress. For you." She gasped, suddenly unable to form coherent thoughts._

"_Me, hmmm?" He leaned down and traced the oval cut out in her back once with his tongue, slowly circling. He undid the first button toward the bottom of the dress. _

"_Only you," she whispered, desperate for him to continue. He turned his attention to the oval again, this time placing kisses around it, slowly, carefully. "I'm yours, only yours. Always yours." He undid the second button and went back to her collarbone. April let out a frustrated breath. "Jackson, please just take off the dress already, please." _

_He sensed her frustration and obliged, undoing the rest of her buttons and turning to face her as she slid backwards towards the bed, slowly peeling the top of her dress off, eyes never leaving his. "Oh my….What was I waiting for?" he whispered, taking her in his arms and putting her on the bed, pulling the dress off of her and letting it fall to the floor as he climbed on top of her._

"_You were trying for a moment," she said, as she undid his belt and untucked his shirt. "It was a good try." She kissed him deeply, searching his eyes. "We have our whole lives for those." _


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys. here's the new chapter. It's a piece of my take on the fight, with a twist. Hope you like it. The ending is a little different than I expected but I think I like where it's going, I hope you do too! As always, let me know what you think, please! I love getting feedback!  
**

"I can't do this, Jackson. I can't," April said, her voice raising an octave along with her panic. "What if he doesn't let me in?" They were parked outside of Matthew's apartment building. April was stalling. The Avery wedding in Boston was supposed to be in two weeks. Jackson and April joked and called it Harper's wedding, because it would never be theirs. The wedding was on a Friday. They were flying in Thursday night and then flying to Moline as soon as the wedding was over so April's family could throw her a party Saturday. They'd fly from Moline back to Seattle Saturday night, and be ready for a Sunday afternoon shift together. They'd planned a tight schedule on purpose, they were sick of everyone's wedding plans. April even agreed to let Jackson rent a plane for it all; she just wanted it over with. They just wanted everyone to leave them alone and let them be married. But April refused to let the Boston wedding happen before she at least tried for some closure with Matthew, not that the thought of facing him was pleasant.

"He'll let you in, you need to get your stuff. It's not like he's made an effort to get it to you."

"Do you blame him?" she asked her husband sarcastically. "He's probably burned it all by now."

"April, he didn't burn your Bible, maybe your Luke Bryan CDs, though."

"But why are we doing this again, what's the point? To clear our conscious? Make us feel better?"

Jackson sighed in frustration. "Look April…think of Matthew like a trauma patient, OK?"

"What?" She wrinkled her nose and looked at him like he was crazy, his favorite reaction, one he knew well.

"Hear me out," Jackson said, taking her hands and turning her body to face him. "He fell off a roof and, there's no internal bleeding, nothing you can see right away. But he's in pain and you see he's dislocated his shoulder, what do you do?"

"I page Callie."

"You are a board certified trauma surgeon, plus Callie's not answering her pages."

"Fine. I pop it back in."

"Yeah, but how? What's your plan?"

"Urrrmmm…ask him the baseball scores and while he's in the middle of ranting, pop it back in."

Jackson was a little bit taken aback by this detail. As horrible as it was, he'd often forget that Matthew had meant more to April than Stephanie did to him. April knew that to distract Matthew from pain, you talk about baseball. Jackson never cared to know intimate things like that about Stephanie. Just obvious things. There was no denying that she shed and left bras everywhere. He'd seen it, no digging necessary. "Yes, see you're ready," he continued, choosing not to dwell on the tinge of jealously he felt. "It is kind. To distract him from the pain first. He's going to feel it anyway."

"So you're saying…. he might as well hear it from me?"

"Right."

"Isn't it mean, though? 'Hi Matthew, sorry I ran out on our wedding. I want my stuff back. Annnd…. I'm engaged."

"Look, you have to face him. It's not going to be fun. But I'll be right here. You can do it fast, you don't have to stay for tea. And then," he kissed her. "We go…"

"Get drunk?"

"No. What's with you and alcohol lately? I was gonna say get ice cream. Geez take it down a notch Kepner."

"Sorry," April sighed. "When I'm stressed I think about wine, lately. You know that." She was completely serious, but Jackson cracked up laughing and kissed her forehead.

"Go get this over with, please." She grumbled but got out of the car. He was thankful that "telling" Stephanie had just involved walking in to work holding April's hand. Stephanie took one look at the rock on April's finger and her face told him to stay away.

-

Matthew buzzed April up without even asking whom it was, which surprised her. "He's a trauma patient, he's a trauma patient," she repeated to herself, all the way up three flights of steps to his apartment. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

"Oh, I was expecting Chinese," Matthew said as he opened the door, bills in hand. He went to close the door but she stopped him.

"Please, Matthew, can we talk? I just, I came to ask for my stuff but, I really am sorry I…"

"Sorry, huh? Nice new ring…"

"We 're engaged, well…we got married…. I, shoot, Jackson's going to kill me, no one's supposed to know except his mom, they all think we're engaged. I'm saying too much…I wanted you to hear it from me first. I probably shouldn't have said it like that, so fast I…I'm in love with him I…I'm sorry. I never wanted this to…"

Matthew put up his hand, cutting her off. "It's fine, really April, he won the girl."

"He _won _me? Excuse me but I'm not some prize he owns." April blushed slightly after she said this, remembering things Jackson liked to ask in bed. _Whose kissed you here...And here? Whose wife are you? Who else have you worn that for? "You. You. Only you. Always you."_ She loved telling him that she's only been his, and would always only be his. But when Matthew suggested something similar, it infuriated her.

"Whatever April. You're sorry, OK. You can come find you're stuff. I haven't really gone looking for it."

"What, but I left stuff all over, I figured you had a bag. I…"

"Been busy packing I don't know where your stuff is, feel free to try and find it."

"What? You want me to go through all the boxes you've packed already for my stuff?"

Matthew shrugged. "I really don't know why you bothered to come here, April. But I'm moving, so I'm packing. I don't remember what you left here. I've been trying not to think of you at all. That's kind of hard when you're mailing rings back to me two days after you ran out on our wedding…. with no note. So if you want your extra clothes, go 'head, find them yourself…"

"Matthew, I was moving in. I left my Bible here. I'm not just bothering you for crap."

"See…I was trying to forget that part…Just come in and get it all, then." He opened the door to let her in.

April bit her lip, hard. A quarter of her life was in this apartment. And Matthew seemed to have no interest in helping her find it all. Why should he? But if she was going to get out of here quickly, she needed help. "Matthew, you know there's a lot of stuff here…Can I call Jackson up?" She nearly whispered that last part.

"Whatever, April…. guess I'm going out for dinner." Matthew rolled his eyes and slammed his apartment door. Leaving April to face the last place she ever wanted to face, alone.

She took out her cell phone. "Jackson, I need you," suddenly tears formed in her eyes. "All my stuff's here…all of it and he didn't…and he's moving…. I'm sorry, I need…34C."

-

"So, it's like the pit in here. Go through your list, but get out quickly, " Jackson said as soon as he came in, wrapping his arms around April. "What's on it?"

"Will you stop with the work analogies? They don't help. And I almost just want to find my Bible and get out. You're right, I can replace everything else."

"No need to snap, this is awkward for me too, you know? Now what does this precious Bible look like?"

April glared at him. "It's pink with paisley print on it. But can you please not mock my Faith anymore? It's important to me and you know that."

"I wasn't mocking. I knew it'd be decorated, I know you. I was just asking so I know what to look for…But…"

"But you mock it all the time, Jackson."

"Bean, really? Let's not fight in Matthew's apartment OK? Let's just find this thing." He knelt down and began rummaging through a box labeled "Books." "The last thing I want is for Matthew to walk in and see us fighting."

"Oh why, you afraid he'd get the wrong idea and think he could win me back because of one fight? I chose you, you know. I chose you."

"Whoa, I chose you too, OK? I made a choice too. This is an equal partnership." April scoffed. Jackson chose to ignore it. "Where is this coming from anyway?"

"He said you 'won' me. Like I was a prize, not a person."

"I don't feel that way, you know that. I didn't plan to do what I did. I just…I love you, and…"

"I know, God brought is together when He thought it was right."

"OK but, God doesn't bring me anywhere. I don't believe in God."

April stopped looking through the box in front of her and stared at her husband. "Oh, ohh-OK…what do you believe in?"

"Science. I believe in science. And me and you. I believe in us. "

"Me too." April decided to drop it. He was right. They shouldn't be fighting here, in Matthew's apartment. They shouldn't even be here; it was weird and put her in a bad mood. Why did she do this to both of them? Jackson didn't want to be here. Matthew certainly didn't want them here. And she could buy a new Bible; after all, she was starting a new life. "Jackson, let's go…I'll buy a new one," she said, yawning and getting up from her knees.

"No. Look I think I found some stuff. That's your scrub cap, right?" he asked, taking it out of the box. "Listen I'm sorry if I made this weird, it's weird for me but we should find your stuff. Don't let he or I make it feel less important than it is."

-

"Look, I think I see…." Jackson started, an hour later. They'd found some clothes and books, but no Bible. "Nevermind forget it." But she saw him take the item out of the box and put it behind his back.

"Jackson, what is it?" April crawled toward him, reaching behind his back, but he moved the item into his other hand. "Babe, come on." She fell on top of him, laughing.

"Nothing…it's nothing." He kissed her and rolled her over on her back, hoping she'd be distracted.

"Jackson, not here, are you crazy?"

"What? It's just a few kisses."

"With you it's never just a few kisses."

"Us, you mean with us. It takes two you know. And what's that supposed to mean?" Jackson let her free and stood up, not forgetting to grab the IPod he'd been hiding.

"It means I love how much you love me."

"Oh nice cover Mrs. Avery," Jackson laughed and kissed her.

"'Scuse you. Don't forget the Kepner."

"Sorry, Mrs. Kepner-Avery. Wanna go home and fool around with country music in the background? I know the struggle without Luke Bryan's been real for you." He kissed her and revealed her IPod. She was so grateful she'd no longer be hearing just rap, jazz and classical music everyday that she let him. They didn't hear the footsteps coming down the hall or the key in the door.

"Seriously?" Matthew asked, walking inside his apartment. "Sorry to interrupt, but I gave you an hour."

April blushed and Jackson quickly grabbed the box filled with April's stuff and bolted out the door. What was he going to say, sorry? He really wasn't. He'd already tried apologizing to Stephanie and she wasn't having it. He didn't like hurting people, and he was actually sorry for what he did to Stephanie. But Matthew? He had nothing to say to Matthew.

"If you find my Bible please let me know. S-Sorry to bother you. I'm really sorry, Matthew." Jackson heard April try again as he went down to the lobby.

"Feel better?" Jackson asked when April met him downstairs. She shrugged, and walked out the door before him.

"At least I got my iPod. And I guess we can have Harper's wedding in Boston now." Behind her, Jackson cringed. He was supposed to be the one dreading Harper's wedding, not her.

* * *

"April, how many times do I have to tell you, I love you. I respect you. But I just don't know if I can raise children to believe in something that I don't believe in." Jackson slammed the door and faced April in the middle of the living room. They'd treated a deaf girl with a dog bite that night, and suddenly their conversation had moved from talking about deaf culture to their hypothetical deaf child, to science and faith. It was still in April's mind from the night before, at Matthew's apartment.

"So, what? I'm just supposed to be OK with that? My faith means everything to me, it's part of who I am and I'm just supposed to forget that? Discard it? Just like that? Teach my kids nothing about it because that's what you want? Jackson, it's part of who I _am_." April was yelling, she never yelled and it made Jackson uncomfortable. They'd had disagreements, but this felt different.

"It wasn't when we were in San Francisco…" Jackson mumbled, just loud enough for her to hear.

"Oh, you wanna go there, huh?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was the alcohol. Clearly I read the situation wrong, because I paid for it for two years. But I asked you if you were sure and you said…you said yes. Clearly. Definitively. You didn't seem to be thinking too much about God, then. And all the sudden, the next day I learn that Jesus is your best friend. I thought I was, how silly of me!" Jackson threw up his hands.

April shook her head in rage. "Oh…if you think…if you _really _think…" She stood up, to look him in the eye, tears rolling down her face. "You really don't know me, Jackson Avery, you don't know me at all."

"Don't pull that bull, April…you're being ridiculous. I know you better than anyone else in the world."

"Obviously not, or…"

"Your name is April Louise Kepner-Avery. You were born on April 23rd, 1982 in Colombus, Ohio. Your parents are Joe and Karen Kepner. Lovely people, I taught them all about golf once during our first year at Seattle-Grace and they really enjoyed it. Your sisters are Libby, Kimmie and Alice. You're the second oldest. Your nephews are Gracin, Tucker and Luke. Crazy little monsters, those guys…lots of energy," Jackson laughed. April just gave him a death stare. "You went to 4-H but you don't exactly love the farm, you love medicine. You became a trauma surgeon because you're good when others are in crisis. You love the rush of trauma but you hate…"

"Jackson, just stop," April snapped. "I didn't ask you for my biography."

"Oh, you want more intimate details? OK, let's see…you eat apple cinnamon oatmeal and half a grapefruit every morning. You always leave me half because you don't approve of my diet. But you have the biggest sweet tooth of anyone I've ever known. You indulge it when stressed, so we always need peanut butter cups in the house in case you get a particularly bad trauma case. You take your coffee light, lots of milk or cream, a teaspoon of sugar on adventurous days. You keep this house meticulous, but you always leave your toothbrush in the sink. You don't follow news because it makes you sad. Your lips always taste like a mixture of strawberries and spearmint; because of the lip balm and mints you keep with you, at all times. You bite them when you're nervous, sometimes until they bleed…. You call out to me in your sleep a lot, and grip my chest so tight, sometimes I wake up. I think you have nightmares about finding Reed. But you don't wake up. Three other guys kissed you before me, but four, four is your favorite number. You kick ass and take names in the ER, but in bed, you really like it when I'm on top…."

"I get it, this is ridiculous now…" April put up her hand to stop him, not interested in where this was going.

Jackson continued. "You don't talk much, but you like it when I whisper what I'm gonna do to you. And sometimes, you whisper what you want, but it's so quiet, it's easy to miss. About a minute before you come you start to moan, never words just little sounds. And they get louder and louder until you orgasm, and every single time, you say my name. Every time. You scream it so loud that when we're not at home, I have to cover your mouth. And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows that. The. Only. One."

"Congratulations, Jackson. I've come every time, too. You want a prize?"

Jackson let out a frustrated breath, his tone softened. "No I…April…I don't know what you want from me, but if you're really questioning my love for you? How well do you know me?" his voice cracked, surprising them both. She had never seen him cry angry tears, but she was angry, too.

"You don't even _try_, Jackson. You just judge me. I'm sorry I didn't grow up like an Avery. I can't help that."

"Try what?" He was pacing around the room, unable to look her in the eye.

"Don't act ignorant, Jackson. Look at me, talk to me. You know you judge my faith. You mock it in front of me like that's Ok. Like you're entitled to your opinion so I should just deal with it. Jackson Avery doesn't have faith, why should anyone?" April asked, sarcastically.

"I have faith, April. I have faith in medicine, in science."

"That is _not _faith Jackson, faith is believing in something even when you can't see it. When there's no other way to be sure it's there."

"April, that's crazy…I don't…I can't…." He was thinking too fast. Anything he said in that moment would hurt her. "But I love you. I'm in love with you. If that's not enough for you, if you don't believe me, then…I don't know, April."

He turned and headed for the bedroom, slamming the door as he entered. April sat on the couch, her mouth almost literally hanging open. What just happened? He wasn't being fair. He wasn't trying. But was she? Jackson was stubborn, and arrogant, at times. And he wasn't exactly open-minded. He was cool, and confidant, all of the time. And handsome. So handsome.

They walked down the street and head's turned. Women's heads. Sometimes Jackson saw the look on her face and would come up with an excuse to kiss her. Other times, he'd smile and nod quickly, and then pretend he was very interested whatever she was talking about. April knew her husband loved her, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out why. He could have someone hotter, some hot atheist swimsuit model that would wear whipped cream bikinis for him. Why did he bother with modest, meek, God-fearing her? He could easily walk out. Why did he stay?

Jackson lay in bed, fighting back tears, reading Grey-Sloan budget reports, and trying not to think. Deep down, he knew April was right. He did mock her faith. But, he didn't do it to be mean, per say. He did it because he didn't understand it. In all honestly, he felt he didn't want or need to understand it. It was easier to make fun of it then to explain that he didn't care to learn about it. But of course he wanted to learn about her. In his mind, he'd been doing a good job separating the two. Obviously, he was wrong, and something about that made him emotional. Maybe it was because she'd said he didn't know her.

Ever since she'd said "yes" and run away from that barn with him, away from that other life, in her wedding dress, he'd made it his mission to learn everything about her. That's why he'd made her promise to talk, even when it hurt. And now, here he was, avoiding a conversation. But how could she think he didn't love her? He hardly even thought about religion, honestly. April's faith hardly entered his mind. He just, loved her. Why wasn't that enough?

"Jackson Harper Avery, born November 19th, 1982 in Boston, Mass, to Catherine and James Avery, you're the most stubborn person I know. You think sarcasm is the answer to everything, and anyone who doesn't believe what you believe is wrong…"

He looked up from the page he was reading, raising an eyebrow at April, who was standing in the doorway, determined. "OK, April this isn't a competition…."

"You're messy, and you snore, and you put your feet up on the coffee table, all the time. You're obsessed with sneakers, you hate leftovers, and you used to order out five nights a week before we were married. You leave your clothes everywhere. You only know how to cook like five things; probably only things your mom likes so you could fool her into thinking you ate healthy when she wasn't in town. Your eyebrows come together when you concentrate and you look like you're angry, but when you're really angry you close your eyes a lot, or cover your face with your hands. If something's really funny your head tilts back when you laugh, but you don't laugh often. You drive with one hand on the wheel and the seat way too far back. You like plastics because it requires precision, perfection….Mark Sloan was like a father to you…"

"April, that's enough." Jackson's voice was clipped, angry.

"…And any time someone says something you don't like about yourself you try to shut them down. You never lose your confidence, except when you're around your grandfather, because you'll never feel good enough for him. You find me or text me at 2 p.m every day for no reason., but you try to play it off like there's a reason. You like sweatshirts and The Simpsons, and you go running every morning at 4:45 AM, but you come back to bed at 6, I think so you're there when I wake up. You either eat Count Chacula or Lucky Charms every morning. If you're in a bad mood, you don't eat the grapefruit. You like watches, and records, and golf, and dogs, green, and Jay-Z. You only wear boxers, you love bacon. You like the top, and 30 seconds before you finish your eyes are closed, but they always open just before….Minka Kelly is your celebrity crush, Apparently, you don't believe in God. And I have no idea why you love me." She started to cry and turned on her heels to leave.

"What? Hey, you don't get to drop that and leave!" Jackson screamed after her.

"You just did the same thing, hypocrite!" she called back.

Jackson groaned and put down the reports. April was in the kitchen, scrubbing dishes intensely, slamming them down next to the sink, ignoring the dishwasher.

"Hey, I'm here. I'm sorry. I needed to cool down." Jackson reached for her shoulder, but she moved away, wordlessly. "April, please."

"You're an ass, I'm not talking to you right now."

"So…when is this fight going to end? Because when you're mad you don't cook, and then I have to eat bacon or Lucky Charms for dinner, and you forgot the cereal this week so…"

"Well, that's unfortunate, isn't it, that _I_ forgot to buy _your_ cereal?"

"Look April. I'm sorry, but I have no interest in believing in God."

"Hmmm and who asked you to start?"

Jackson threw up his hands in frustration. "So, what? What do you want from me?"

"Nothing Jackson, just go to bed."

"That's not fair, you had a lot to say back there. I hate fighting with you. I'm asking you to help me here. I need you to help me through this one. What can I do? What can I do besides magically believe?"

"Stop comparing Faith to magic, for one…" she shut off the faucet and turned to face him.

"It is, April. To me, God is as real as magic. "

"So, you think what I believe is ridiculous?"

"It is! Your God is like our hypothetical deaf child, April, it's not real!" April's eyes widened and tears formed in her eyes. He'd just verbally slapped her across the face. He instantly regretted his words, realizing just how big this fight was becoming. "Look, alright. I'm sorry. It doesn't mean I don't respect you, it's just…"

April looked down, away from him, crying. "I just feel sorry for you. You don't know how to believe in something you can't touch or feel and that…is _so_ sad."

Jackson looked away from her, blinking, hurt. "So you pity me." It was a statement, not a question. A fact. He knew it, and that made him sad.

"I do…I really do." April only realized the truth behind her words after she said them. When she registered what that might mean for her marriage, a mixture of shock, fear, and sadness spread across her face. She saw the tears forming in Jackson's eyes as he nodded, acknowledging her honesty, and looked away.

"We should go to sleep," she said, crying quietly. She left him there, without looking at him. As she went down the hallway and into her room, silent sobs shook her body. She expected to go to bed, but instinct brought her over to her dresser, where she began packing a bag. She didn't know exactly where she'd go yet, but she knew they needed space. She pitied him, and he thought the one thing she believed in above all else was ridiculous. Where do you go from there?

She threw some clothes in a bag and her toothbrush from inside the sink, and walked down the hallway. She took a deep breath when the kitchen came into view. He was still sitting there, hands over his mouth, tears behind his eyes, which he wouldn't let out. He was numb.

She wanted to say something, but words escaped her. What could she say? Leaving was so…final. And they loved each other, so much. Just yesterday, they'd accidentally burnt dinner because fooling around to the soundtrack of April's IPod was so much fun. Jackson kept getting up to skip the song, because he said he couldn't concentrate on her with cowboys singing about beer and tractors in the background. Yesterday! He knew what faith meant to her yesterday, and she knew what it didn't mean to him, though he never really explained what he did believe in after he dropped that bomb at Matthew's. How did they get from fooling around to…here in 24 hours? April was confused, but she knew what she had to do.

It felt wrong to just leave, so she stayed where she was until he looked at her, his green eyes glistening with tears. When he saw the overnight bag he let out an audible gasp and left the bar stool. "April…no, please don't…" He started toward her.

"I think I have to, Jackson…I think we need some space. I need to think." She headed into the living room.

"Think here, please April. Don't go. We need to work through this together, please." He was begging, but he wouldn't let the tears escape his eyes. "I love you. Don't go."

April pulled her coat on, and turned to look at him. "I love you too. It's just…." What was it? Why was she going? "Space, just some space Jackson, that's all."

She turned away, about to open the door, but he grabbed her wrist. It was a desperate action, not a violent one. He let go when she was facing him, hands at his sides. "Please don't leave me." He let the tears fall now, unable to control them. "Please don't walk out. This Avery family, we're different. We don't leave. Please. I need you to stay April. Please stay. Please don't leave me. I need you. We're different, April. We're different."

April looked at her husband, standing there crying, really opening up to her for the first time. Suddenly, she realized what her walking out would mean to him. His father had left him. When he was young, sure, but James Avery had still left. And Catherine had left him too, in a way. She loved her son, no doubt about that. But as soon as he got old enough, she had thrown the same expectations on him that had caused her ex-husband to abandon his family. Jackson took on those responsibilities the best he could, because both his mother and his grandfather expected it. But neither of them knew Jackson Avery like April did. They didn't see his face light up on the basketball court, where he didn't have to be the star, but played like one anyway. Catherine never noticed the first twitch of his eyebrow when he was angry. He tried not to show her.

But he'd let April in, slowly. She was his family, the only one who knew all of him, or at least most of him and if she left, he was alone. Abandoned again. By the one person who'd promised never to leave, just months before. "We're different. We're gonna be different," Jackson said again, tears still falling down his face.

April closed the small gap between them and reached up to wipe his tears. She dropped her bag and leaned in to kiss him, her hands framing his face. He kissed her back hungrily, desperately. She realized he was still asking her to stay. "You're right, this Avery family is different. I'm sorry. I'm here, Jackson. I'm right here."

He kissed her again, with the same desperation as before, and then collapsed into her body in tears. As she stood there, holding him, letting him cry, she realized that this was probably the first time Jackson Avery had ever let himself break down. The thought of her leaving, even just for a little while, broke down his walls.

So she just held him for a while, kissed him back and assured him she was not leaving. She rubbed his back and tried to get him to take deep breaths, to calm down. "I'm sorry, love. I'm here. I'll be here, always," she said. She let him lead her to bed. She nodded when his eyes asked permission (they always did) and let him undress her, and make love to her, even though the look in his eyes scared her.

This time was different. His touch was rougher; like he was trying to convince himself she was there, underneath him, on top of him. He wouldn't break eye contact, and if she did he turned her face toward him. But he didn't say a word, didn't make a sound.

"Hey Jacks, where'd you go?" she asked, when they finished. "I'm here. I'm right here. But I think you left me for a few hours. If we're gonna get through this, I need my husband back, where'd you go? Do you need me there, with you? When are you coming back?"

"In the morning," was all he said, wrapping himself tightly around her.

"Ok. I'll see you in the morning. I'll be right here. I love you." She felt his head nod against her, and five minutes later heard his steady, light snore. Only then did she let herself cry for him, feel all his pain. He'd tried to protect her from it, and probably would've for their whole lives if she never tried to walk out the door. The thought of that burden made her cry. Heavy, silent tears.


	5. Chapter 5

**So this is sort of an odd chapter, I don't know if I like it. Toward the end I do try to address an issue which I feel the show missed out on, big time, though. And I mean, they are where I need them to be, for what I think is coming up. So, it serves it's purpose. You know I love feedback though. R&R, please! Especially this chapter, I'd love thoughts! **

* * *

"Morning, sleeping beauty," Jackson said as April entered the kitchen the next morning. He placed a plate of waffles with strawberries on the counter. She sat in the seat in front of them and yawned.

"Morning. What time is it?" she stretched both arms above her head. "You made waffles?"

He placed a cup of coffee in front of her, light, no sugar. "I did. It's 10. I didn't want to wake you." He kissed her forehead.

"Hey, come here and kiss me like you mean it," she said, taking a bite of waffles.

Jackson was pouring his own cup of coffee. He spun around and looked her straight in the eyes, suddenly angry. "I always mean it, April," he said. But he kissed her, quickly. A peck on the lips.

"What'd you make these waffles in?"

"The waffle maker."

"Oh." April looked down and continued eating; she moved syrup around on her plate.

"Problem?" Jackson asked, drinking his coffee from the other side of the counter, eyebrows raised.

"Nothing…it's just…I was going to take that back, I…"

"Shouldn't you have done that three months ago?"

"Yes, I…Hey, I'm going to go to afternoon mass today, do you want to come…just to…just to be there…with me?"

"No April. I don't suddenly believe, just because you stayed."

"Hey. I am not a punching bag, Jackson Avery. I know we have a lot to talk about, I know you had a bad night. I don't know what's going on with you right now, but you don't get to talk to me like this."

"Whatever." Jackson finished his coffee and went into the living room, put on his coat.

April ran in. "Where are you going? We have the day off, we need to talk. Last night was…you don't get to leave. I didn't leave. Don't you leave me. Where do you think you're going?"

He took her by the shoulders, looked into her eyes. "There's no bag in my hand, I'm not leaving you. Don't you dare imply this is the same thing. I'd never leave you. I'm coming back." He kissed her on the lips, turned around, and walked out the door, slamming it behind him. April slid down the door frame, shaking and sobbing. She'd never been more confused in her life.

* * *

Jackson took a Foundation conference call as he drove, concerning the possibility of them buying in to another hospital. For once, he and his grandfather were on the same side, and while he wouldn't let himself feel happy about that, he was grateful the Foundation was acting as a distraction for him, instead of an added stress. Foundation work was easy when Harper Avery was on your side. Some of these big shot new comers wanted to invest in another hospital, but Jackson was more than happy to sit in on a call with his grandfather and explain all of the reasons why no one with the last name Avery would sign off on that venture. It provided him with an outlet for his anger.

He didn't wake up wanting to fight. He certainly didn't have any intention of leaving as he was making waffles this morning. He actually got really excited when he found the waffle maker in the back of the living room closet. He'd planned to make her waffles and then apologize and just try…. try to explain what happened last night. He didn't completely understand it himself, but he wanted to try. And then he imagined taking her back to bed and making love to her, gently and kindly, erasing last night's look of fear in her eyes from his mind completely. He was ashamed to be the cause of that look.

His plan involved apologies and waffles and sex and talking, maybe talking. But then she said, "Kiss me like you mean it," and sent him into a blind rage. If she'd said, "kiss me on the lips" or even "give me a real kiss," he thought maybe his day would be going as he'd planned it. But no. She said "Kiss me like you mean it," and made him so angry he drove all the way to Mark Sloan and Lexie Grey's graves, where he always ended up when he needed to talk.

"Sofia's getting good at these," he said, picking up a drawing that lay against Mark's tombstone. It was a crayon drawing of a house. The frame was squarer than the one he'd seen a few months before. He'd visited to tell Mark and Lexie that he did it; he told her he loved her. She loved him too. And they were married. And they were going to have babies and birthday parties and all of the good stuff, and never take one second of it for granted. He'd visited to tell them that he'd never forget them, and that his family was going to honor them through their happiness. He was ashamed to be here now, having not lived up to that promise, thus far.

"She eats more peanut butter cups than you used to when she's stressed, Lex," Jackson laughed. "I didn't think that was possible, but trust me, it is." His eyes widened and he nodded his head. "Guess I have a thing for girls who like peanut butter."

He picked up Zola's drawing for Lexie; Stick figure Meredith, Derek, and baby Bailey. "I want this, guys. I want a family with her. I want to keep my promise to you, but…" He let his voice trail off, shook his head, covered his face with his hands, his nervous habit. "I don't know how to make her believe I love her." Jackson sat in front of his friends' graves and cried.

* * *

April sat in church after the sermon ended and prayed. She prayed out loud, for her marriage, for her husband. "Lord, give me the tools I need to understand him and the strength to love him in the ways he needs to be loved. Please give me the confidence I need to have faith in his love for me, and please guide me on this journey, wherever it takes us. Please be with Jackson, even though he doesn't believe, Lord. Please help him find strength to get through this with me. Please grant us both the patience we need to understand each other, to communicate better. Please be with us as we fight for our marriage. Amen." April sat in the front of the church and cried.

* * *

"April, I bought Greek food, I…" Jackson walked in to a dark living room and panicked. Running to the kitchen, he put the food down on the counter in the kitchen and turned on that light. He sprinted down the hallway and opened the door to their room, letting out a sigh of relief when he saw her in bed, reading the Bible. "You scared me, I thought…"

April laughed. "Imagine how I felt, not knowing where you were, when you were coming home."

"I bought you Reeses too, the regular sized ones and…here." He walked over to the bed, handed her the gardenia that was in his hand.

"I made you bacon, and I poured you Lucky Charms. I even put the milk in it for you out of habit. After church. I went to the supermarket and I bought you bacon. And cereal. And I thought, 'He'll be home soon because he left so angry. He wouldn't leave for the whole day.' So I made you bacon at one-thirty. And I poured your Lucky Charms at one-thirty five. And then at two forty-seven, I ate your soggy cereal because I got hungry. The milk was that grey color it gets to from the marshmallows. The one you show me all the time because my fake gag noise makes you laugh. I threw out the bacon though. I hate bacon. I was going to kiss you when you came home."

"How was church," was all he asked. It's all he could ask.

April blinked at him. "What do you care? God is ridiculous." He was silent. It made her nervous. "I prayed for you."

"Did it work? 'Cause I don''t feel different." April got up to leave the room. He stopped her. "Look, I'm sorry. Sarcasm just comes out of me sometimes. Like when someone tickles you and you laugh for twenty minutes after they've left the room. You can't help it. I can't help it."

"Two minutes. I laugh for two minutes tops, after you tickle me." She was dead serious.

"OK, two minutes. Look, I was gonna kiss you too, this morning. I was gonna make you waffles and say I'm sorry and kiss you all day. But then…" April gestured impatiently for him to go on. "But then you said, 'kiss me like you mean it.' I always mean it, April. I don't know what to do to make you believe that."

"Obviously yell at me and leave the house for a day. Leave me shaking and confused behind the door frame, wondering if my husband would ever come back or if I'd have to deal with this scary robot for the rest of my life."

Jackson gripped April's shoulders, a concerned look spread across his face. "Scary robot?" he asked, tone softening for the first time.

"Last night was…your eyes, Jackson. They turn greener but you leave them. I don't know where you go but you're not there. And you're rougher and it scares me." She wiped tears from her eyes.

"Whoa, I hurt you?"

"No! It just…it's scary."

"Did I hurt you?" he asked again, voice firm again.

"I said no."

"You could've told me to stop."

"You weren't there, Jackson. My husband wasn't there."

"Next time," April let out a little gasp at those words. Jackson's heart sank. He might not have physically hurt her; he'd done some sort of damage. And he didn't even remember last night very clearly. He was ashamed of himself. "Look, there's not going to be a next time. But, you can always, always, always tell me to stop do you understand me?" April nodded, but looked down at the floor. "It's my job to protect you. I failed last night. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry."

"I hurt you, too. I'm sorry." He moved his head and leaned in to kiss her, but she only allowed a peck. She stepped back and looked at him. "You're back." It was almost a question, not quite.

"I'm back. I'm sorry I left. I won't do it again. Ever again. You know I'm in love with you. I'm so in love with you. You have to believe me."

"I…I…I'm trying."

"Why don't you know that I'm in love with you? What am I doing wrong? Why did you say that last night?"

"Because it's true, I don't know why."

"What else can I do?"

"I don't know, Jackson. Maybe you can…"

Her voice trailed off and she looked to the floor for the hundredth time during the conversation.

"What? Say it, April. Tell me. Anything."

She looked up at him and took a deep breath. "You could try to understand my faith so that I feel like you love all of me, not just part of me."

"Ok," he whispered. "Ok, I'll try. But you have to…" It was his turn to look at the floor, let his voice fade.

"What, Jackson? What do you need?" He'd never approached this subject with her before, not directly. It was awkward. Part of him felt like it wasn't his place to discuss this with her.

"You have to figure out why I'm in love with the other parts of you, too."

"What, Jackson? That doesn't make…I don't understand."

"Do you need me to tell you I love you, more?"

"No…I…we say it all the time."

"Should I show you I want you more? Tell you how much?"

April blushed. "No, Jackson. You do that enough. We do that all the time."

"Do you want me to buy you more gifts?"

"This is getting offensive. Of course not."

"But still, you don't know why I'm in love with you?"

"But I know you are. And I'm in love with you, too. Do you know why? Do you know why I'm in love with you?"

"Well, I think I'm your best friend. I think you're in love with me because I'm handsome, and you like that thing I do with my tongue on your…"

"Stop. Don't make this dirty right now."

"Fine. Sorry. I think I make you laugh. I think I do a pretty good job of making you feel protected. I think you see my heart clearer than anyone ever has. And I think you think I'm sexy."

"I said stop it, Jackson." April started to try and walk past him, over the conversation. Again, he put his hands on her shoulders to stop her.

"No. Sexy isn't dirty, April. Sexy is a part of being in love. It isn't just sex, either. I don't think you believe you're sexy. God, you're so sexy. And you never believe me. That's not something I can fix. You have to learn to believe it."

"OK, and who are you? Mr. I'm too sexy? Like it's easy to believe that."

Jackson put his hand on his chin, and stepped back a little, thinking. He'd found the problem, at least. "It is easy to believe, for me, April. No one ever called me Duckie."

"I told you, don't say that name…" She grabbed him, and pushed his shoulders, on the verge of tears.

"Relax April, I would never call you that. I think you're beautiful. Way too sexy for such a horrible nickname, babe. I'm just saying. I think people made you doubt yourself, so yes, you have sex. You play along when I complement you. But you don't ever actually _feel_ sexy."

"OK, big shot, what makes you feel sexy, then? When do you feel sexy?"

Jackson let out a breath, frustrated. "It's different for guys…it's different for me."

"Well you brought this up, so…"

"OK fine. I feel sexy when you want me so badly you accidentally bite my lip. I feel sexy when you wrap your legs around me…Obviously, sex makes me feel sexy…your turn."

"Fine. I feel sexy when…I mean, obviously I know you love me when…"

"Nope, wrong game. We're playing 'I feel sexy when…'" April started backing up into the bedroom, trying to avoid the question, but there was a smile on her face.

"Fine. I felt sexy that one time…when I wore this." She went into her drawer and pulled out a dark purple silk slip. It had lace roses covering key parts but otherwise was completely sheer.

"Oh, yeah, that, that one's nice." Jackson tried to sound casual. He remembered that one well. He'd bought it at a lingerie shop the day after their wedding. Yeah. He remembered that night. "Why?"

"Why did it make me feel sexy?" April blushed and bit her bottom lip. "Probably because you bought it for me. It's pretty, really pretty."

"So you do want more presents," Jackson said, grinning.

"Well no I…you shouldn't have to…. just so I feel…you're right though."

"Put it on."

"Jackson, I'm hungry. I don't wanna, not right now."

"I'm hungry too. In fact I'm gonna go heat up dinner. I just said put it on, I don't care what you do while you're in it. Eat, watch TV, whatever."

"You want me to sit at the dinner table wearing this and you're telling me you're just going to sit there an eat?"

"And tell you where I went today, yeah."

"I'm gonna feel so stupid, though."

"You just said it made you feel sexy, so make up your mind."

"It does, when we're…not in the kitchen."

"See, that's the point, April. It should make you feel sexy no matter where you are. I think you're sexy everywhere."

"Fine, I'll put it on…I'm serious though, go heat up that food."

"Damn you're bossy when you're hungry," he said, and kissed her. This time she leaned in and let his tongue slide in her mouth. She bit his bottom lip as he pulled away, and smiled.

* * *

**AN: I don't know what I think Jackson believes in. Maybe nothing except that Mark and Lexie can hear him. He did, after all, talk to Sloan while he was unconscious. Just thought I should add that, since some people might wonder why I had him visit Slexie. **


End file.
